


A Puppet Controlled by the Ghosts of my Darkest Dreams

by Namgitrash



Series: Coliver Tingz [1]
Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Porn, Condoms, Hurt No Comfort, I Blame Tumblr, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insecure Connor Walsh, Insecurity, M/M, Mild Smut, My First Work in This Fandom, One Shot, POV Connor Walsh, Podfic Welcome, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Ending, a little bit of insecure oliver, at least I think so, but like, hmmm, i dont mess with that shit, i might write another chapter depending on how this goes, kinda i didnt do first person, lakdfks, no beta we die like men, uhhhhh, ummm - Freeform, ummmm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:34:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26876005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Namgitrash/pseuds/Namgitrash
Summary: Connor struggles with himself as his relationship  with Oliver blossomsorConnor competing with a worse version of himself that is always telling him that he doesn't deserve Oliver
Relationships: Oliver Hampton/Connor Walsh
Series: Coliver Tingz [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978888
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	A Puppet Controlled by the Ghosts of my Darkest Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first htgawm fic so i am very excited! I originally wanted this to be a song fic for Heather by Conan Grey so you can listen to this song while your read if you want! I tried to make it so that Connor kind of has this embodiment of all his flaws and insecurities that is constantly following him everywhere and whispering doubts into his ear, so whenever i refer to someone as he in italics that's who I'm talking about. i just wanted to make that clear, anyway enjoy!

Chapter 1: I wish I was Heather

* * *

It was cold. Connor had just come back from one of his nightly runs which have been getting longer and longer each day. Each day he ran farther hoping that he would be able to outrun that part of himself that was still stuck in the woods. 

He never could, but he  _ was _ gaining muscle which Ollie seemed to appreciate. And Ollie’s hands on him chased away everything. If he could he would stay in his arms forever. But it was only a matter of time before  _ he  _ drove him out of his bubble of happiness. 

He would come out of nowhere. When he was making Ollie breakfast. When he was in the shower. When he was in the throes of passion. Everywhere he went  _ he _ followed him like a shadow. Telling him how unworthy he was. How he didn’t deserve Ollie. How he was a cheating whore who did what he wanted. That he-, that he was a murderer, that he was selfish, and a dick,and pathetic and abusiveandposseviveand-

“Connor? Are you okay?”, Oliver’s eyes searched his own as Connor fought to school his features into one of a man who was sane. He let his signature smirk fall over his face.

“Yeah, of course. Just thinking about how I’m gonna reward you for making such a good dinner tonight,” Connor let his eyes darken and his voice lilt. He knew exactly what he was doing; he had done it hundreds of times before with a hundred other guys. But with Ollie it wasn’t a trick. He just wanted the man to feel special, and part of that was making him feel wanted. 

Ollie had started blushing from Connor’s advances and seemed to have forgotten all about Connor spacing out. But before they could be pulled into each other, Oliver stopped Connor with a hand to his chest.

“You know that we can talk if anything is wrong right? I can’t promise that I won’t judge but I can promise that I’ll still love you and I won’t leave you behind. Okay?”, Oliver looked imploring at Connor, unconsciously marking his skin underneath his thin t-shirt. Connor could tell that this was important to Oliver, he wasn’t blind. He knew that Oliver struggles with his own insecurities and that was one of the reasons Connor didn’t tell him about  _ him.  _ So instead, he just told the truth. Connor pulled Ollie close and pressed their foreheads together

“I love you,” he breathed. Connor could see Ollie hesitate, he could tell that his boyfriend wanted to press the matter. But Connor was rubbing his thumb across his cheek and Oliver had always been defenseless against his touches.

Oliver smiled, “ I love you too,”. He leaned forward and captured Connor’s lips as they gently fell backwards onto the couch. Their apartment became filled with the sounds of their love as their lips met again and again and again...

~

Connor was in heaven. Or hell it was hard to tell when Ollie slammed into his prostate repeatedly, fucking him senseless. Oliver looked down at him, sweat glistening on his face as his hips ground deeper into his hole. He smirked as another choked whine escaped from Connor’s lips. He bent over, folding Connor’s body in half as he bumped their noses together.

“Finally got you to be quiet,” Ollie whispered into the space between them. Connor bit his lip. He knew how much Ollie got off on fucking him silent. Connor was always loud in some way. He always announced himself when he walked into rooms, he never bit his tongue or spared other people’s feelings, and he was always quick to stake his claim on Ollie when they were out in public. So Connor couldn’t imagine the power trip Ollie got from finally making his boyfriend fall mute.

Ollie smirked at Connor as another choked whine escaped his throat. He stopped his movements and rubbed his hands over Connor’s body as he shushed him.

“Want me to make you come?” 

Connor nodded vigorously pulling Oliver closer as he adjusted their bodies. He moved his arms and placed them above his head while intertwining their hands together. Oliver gently pressed their lips together before sitting up and pushing back hard into his boyfriend’s ass.

Connor felt his back arch, as Ollie pushed him back down onto the bed before continuing to fuck back into him.

“O-Ollie,” Connor whispered. Oliver bent down untangled their hands so that he could wipe away the tears that were wordlessly falling down his boyfriend’s face. Connor reached between their bodies to rub his cock but Oliver swatted his hand away with a small growl. Connor’s hand found its way to the bedsheets beside him as Ollie grabbed his cock timing his motions with his thrusts.

“Ah-Oliver. Oliver I-, hah,” Oliver sped up his strokes.

“It’s okay babe, come for me.”

It took a couple more seconds for Connor to let go but Oliver always knew how to break him. He basked in his overstimulated afterglow as Oliver finished inside him. Oliver pulled out and threw away the condom before collapsing on top of his boyfriend . Connor let himself stay in that moment of bliss before he gently moved Oliver off of him.

He went to the bathroom to wash up, before coming back out with a wet washcloth for Oliver. The first time he had done this Oliver had been surprised. He thought that something was wrong until Connor explained that he just like taking care of people. Oliver looked skeptical at first but he eventually got used to Connor’s behavior. 

After graciously taking the washcloth form Connor, Oliver tossed it in the general direction of their hamper before making grabby hands at his boyfriend. Connor teasingly rolled his eyes and fell into Oliver’s arms. He closed his eyes savoring this moment of peace before  _ he  _ came to drag him into the pools of despair that always seemed to drown him whenever Oliver was around.

~

“You think I’m damaged?” Connor’s voice broke. 

Oliver stumbled over his words trying to amend what he said, that he didn’t mean it that way but Connor wasn’t listening. He was stuck in his head;a whirlwind of thoughts blocking out Oliver’s attempts to console him. 

All this time he thought that he had been hiding it well. All the doubts and insecurities, all the times where he thought that Oliver could do better than him. All the times where he told  _ him  _ told  _ himself _ that Oliver loved him and that he didn’t see him as less than human but more human because of all that he’s been through. Only to find out that he thought he was  _ damaged. _

__ How many times had Oliver called him in the middle work not because he was just thinking of him or wanted to hear his voice but because he thought that Connor relied so heavily on him that he would fall apart without him. And now he thought about….he was right. He would have fallen apart but that’s what love is. Or at least that’s what he thought it was. Wanting to be with a person so that you meshed together, even the jagged edges finding their place as you moved through life as an indestructible unit, whose only weakness was each other.

Before Connor knew it he was shoving random items into a bag and walking out the door. Distantly he could hear Olive calling his name but he couldn’t make himself respond or acknowledge him. He soon found himself in his apartment, in front of the mirror with a bottle of cheap wine in his hand. He looked at his reflection trying to convince himself that he wasn’t looking into the eyes of a broken man. God, Connor felt so stupid! He knew he was bad for Ollie, he should’ve known better. He swallowed down half the bottle of wine trying to drown his tears. When he turned back to the mirror his eyes were rimmed red and Connor had to fight the urge to scream. He should’ve known something was wrong when he started second guessing everything he did. He never cared for someone as much as he did Ollie and now he knows why. Because he was never meant to fit with anyone, and now Connor was paying the price for ignoring himself this time.

Connor eventually made it to the couch where he promptly passed out, lulled to sleep by the sound of his phone buzzing.

~

It was a week until Connor saw Oliver again. His breath stopped as he saw him in the hallway on his way back to his desk. And for a moment Connor wanted to run back into his Oliver’s arms but he stopped. He looked at Oliver’s eyes for a lingering moment as the thought  _ I wish I was good for you _ popped into his head before he fled. Leaving the love of his life behind forever. When Connor got back to his seat he told himself that he was doing the best thing for Oliver. He didn’t know how deadly Connor was and it was Connor’s responsibility to look out for him. After all isn’t love realizing that sometimes your love isn’t the best or enough? And maybe Connor just has too many jagged pieces that no matter what he does, no matter who or how he loves, he can’t help but cut them.

_ Fin _

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! Leave kudos or comments if you want and sorry for any grammar mistakes, feel free to point them out! I'm also looking for a beta so if you wanna do that feel free to tell me on here or talk to me on tumblr @https://randomshitsandwhich.tumblr.com/! Thank you again for reading! 💖
> 
> Edit: would you guys want a sequel (happy ending or not idrc) or would you rather have a podfic for the story(?) i dunno which one I want to do and having some second opinions would help :3


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